Understanding Child Development - Ages and Stages

 If you have had a child or been around children you will likely have noticed most children act the same at different ages. This is called developmental milestones. As children grow it is important they hit milestones at certain ages so they can grow and mature on time.  There are four stages of childhood. The first is infancy/toddlerhood, little kid, big kid, adolescents. Child experts, doctors, and parents all look at milestones to know if the child is on target, ahead, or behind in growth.

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Infants and Babies

The CDC explains the infant and baby stage is from birth to 2 years old. This stage is when the baby is learning so much and the brain is developing at a rapid speed. Infants, until 2 months old can get calmed when spoken to or are picked up, and seem happy when you walk up to them. They begin to coo and babble, and react to sounds. Babies look at toys for a few seconds, and watch movement. They also move both hands and legs and learn to grab things. 

By 6 months old babies know familiar people, laughs and makes squealing noise, put things in their mouth to explore them, rolls from tummy to back, and leans on her hands to support herself while sitting. At one years old babies can play games like patty cake, they wave bye and can say Moma and Dada. One year old's also understand the meaning of no, put things in a container, and pulls up to a stand and walks holding onto things (CDC, 2023). 

When babies are 18 months old they should be able to move away from you and look for you when your nearby. They also look at books, put arms into sleeves and legs into pants, and can follow single step directions. Babies that are 18 months old can copy simple chores, and play with toys in simple ways. They should be able to walk on their own, hold a sippy cup, tries to use a spoon, and can get onto a couch (CDC, 2023). 

Toddlers/little kid

Toddlers are ages 1-3 years old, and little kid is 4-6 years old. Some common developmental milestones for two year old's are noticing when others are hurt or upset. They can put two words together, point to at least two body parts when asked, do gestors like blowing kisses and nodding yes. Two year old's can kick a ball, run, walks up a few stairs without help, and can eat from a spoon. Three year old's can calm themselves down. talk in conversations with at least two back and forth, can say what action is happening in a book, and say their first name when asked. They can draw a circle when shown how, uses a fork, puts things onto string, and put some clothes on by himself  (CDC, 2024). 

Four year old's begin pretend play and like to pretend they are someone else when playing. Four year old's can comfort others, answer simple questions, they can name a few colors, and unbutton some buttons. Five year old's follow rules and take turns, they recognize simple rhythms, count to ten, and use numbers about time like tomorrow, and they can hop on one foot. Six year old's can count backwards, have everyday skills down (CDC, 2024). They also start to loose baby teeth, learn to express themselves through words, and learn to write. Six year old's often feel like big kids, read simple words, catch a ball, skip with ease, and draw a person with at least 8 parts (Healthwise Staff, 2023). 

Big kid

Big kids are children ages 7-11 and are much more active than younger children. They enjoy a lot of activities and want to stay busy. They can ride a bike, jump rope, and tie shoelaces. They can also do simple math like addition and subtraction. Children age 8 years old jump skip and chase, they can dress and groom for themselves, and use simple tools like screwdriver and hammer. Older kids 9-11 perfect skills, and are able to write, draw, and paint (CHOC, 2023). 

Teenagers

Teenage years, some people hate them while others love the years. John Hopkins calls these years the growing years, the stage is from ages 12-17 years old. For boys puberty begins between ages 9 1/2 and 14 years old. For girls puberty is from ages 8-13 years old. During puberty the body grows and changes so rapidly. They begin to have hair on their face and under their arms. During this time adolescents begin to think abstractly, they can also think long term and set goals. Teenagers want acceptance by their peers, their friends revolve around their world, and parents are put on the backburner. Teenager might also take on new challenges (Johns Hopkins Medicine, 2020). 

Each stage is unique and fun. Oftentimes adults find a specific age challenge to work with. The best thing a parent can do for their children is spend time with them. Let them know you are there, ready to listen, and be a guide. 

Health and Safety for Children : Early Stages of Childhood Development by ExpertVillage Leaf Group

CDC. (2023 June 6). Important milestones: Your child by five years. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/milestones/milestones-5yr.html

CHOCGrowth & Development: 6 to 12 years (school age). Children’s Hospital of Orange County. (2023, February 21). https://www.choc.org/primary-care/ages-stages/6-to-12-years/

Healthwise Staff., (2024, October 23). Growth and development: 6-12 year olds. Children’s Hospital of Orange County. https://www.choc.org/primary-care/ages-stages/6-to-12-years/

The growing child: Adolescent 13 to 18 years. Johns Hopkins Medicine. (2020, April 24). https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/the-growing-child-adolescent-13-to-18-years

Parenting Styles

 Are you a parent that wants the control and respect, are you a parent that allows your kids to make up their own mind and make their own decisions, are you a parent that just doesn't want to be involved because your too busy or are you a parent that wants to stay middle ground where you have your rules and the children can have a say as well? If you answered yes to any of those, that's probably your parenting style. 

There are four types of parenting styles. There is authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and uninvolved styles of parenting. Each type of parenting style is different, and represents the method and strategies parents choose to parent by. 

Authoritative Parenting

Authoritative Parenting are parents that have some give and take between them and their children. These parents have rules that are expected to be follow, and are also flexible, hear the child's opinions, and fair. Authoritative parents have a good balance between having firm limits and offer nurturing and support to their children. These parents attempt to control their children's behavior by teaching explaining rules, discussing, and reasoning with their children. Children being raised by Authoritative Parents tend to be friendly, energetic, cheerful, self-reliant, self-controlled, curious, cooperative, and achievement oriented (American Psychological Association).

Lauren Pardee from parents.com explains authoritative parents as parents that try to maintain a positive relationship with their children. They also enforce rules, give consequences, and consider their children's feelings. They make it clear that parents have authority, yet give their children opportunities to make decisions. Pardee goes on to say these children learn to deal with their anger, are respectful and responsible, more likely to be happy and successful, and are able to clearly express their emotions. (2024). 

Authoritarian Parenting

Authoritarian parents are those who approach parenting with the "my way or the highway" approach. They are not flexible in listening to children, they have strict rules that are expected to be followed, and there is little to no room for negotiation. Children raised by Authoritarian parents cold, critical, punitive, and try to control through threats, shaming, or other punishments (American Psychological Association).

Pardee (2024) explains authoritarian parents as parents who think their children should be seen not heard, parents that do not take their child's feelings into consideration, and often say "because I said so". They also make the rules and enforce them with little regard to the children. Pardee goes on to say children raised by authoritarian parents may struggle with social skills, making up decisions on their own, can be aggressive, and have poor judgement in character. 

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Permissive Parenting

Permissive parents are warm, but relaxed in rules and expectations. These type of parents do not set limits and children are often left without parental supervision. This type of parenting requires children to be more mature in their behavior. Children raised by permissive parents tend to be impulsive, rebel, are aimless and domineering, aggressive, and have low self-control and achievement (American Psychological Association).

An article by Lauren Pardee explains permissive parents as parents who make rules but do not enforce them, believe children learn best with little interference from you, and do not give consequences often. She goes on to explain these children lack responsibility, are impulsive, struggle with anxiety and depression, and struggle in academics.

Uninvolved Parting

Have you seen Matilda, is so, its the perfect representation of an uninvolved parent. These parents unavailable, unresponsive, and reject their children. Children that have experienced abuse generally have uninvolved parents. Children that have uninvolved parents tend to have low self-esteem and low self-confidence. They seek attention from others, and sometimes have inappropriate behavior. These children often find a role model instead of turning to their parents as role models (American Psychological Association). 

Pardee says parents that are uninvolved rarely know where their child is and who they are with, do not spend a lot of time with their children, and do not ask their children about their homework. She says parents that are involved have children that act out, might have substance abuse, and are delinquents (2024). 

As parents, it is difficult to manage exactly how to have the right parenting style. Each child is different, and should be parented different. What works with one child may not work with the other. So now could be the time to ask yourself, what type of parent am I? Do I like my style of parenting or should I change to a different approach? 

American Psychological Association. (2017). Parenting styles. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/act/resources/fact-sheets/parenting-styles#:~:text=Authoritative,don’t%20always%20accept%20it. 

Pardee, L., (2024 Febraury 22). What is your parenting style, and why does it matter? Parents. https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/style/parenting-styles-explained/

The Parenting Pyramid

How is the quality of your relationships with your children and spouse? Is it where you want it to be? How pure is your way of being? Are you correcting your children with or without teaching? 

The Parenting Pyramid (The Arbinger Company, 1998) is an ideal way of evaluating your relationships, and how to get optimal relationships with your loved ones. Quantity isn't quality, let's learn about quality. 

The Parenting Pyramid has 5 tiers. The base tier is the foundation to get you to the top which is where you begin. 

Let's being with the base of the pyramid - Personal Way of Being. The Parenting Pyramid by The Arbinger Company what the Parenting Pyramid is so you can get the most out of your parenting, and correcting your children. 

Correct & Teaching 

You can choose to correct your children by your attitude. You can embrace and love when you are upset or turn a situation into a negative one. How do you want your children to remember how you acted when upset? 

Let's say, your children decide they want to go to a skate park that is near your house, you have seen older kids doing drugs and cursing at the skate park. Your wife lets your adolescent children go to the skate park and you are upset. You can choose to yell and demand they go home immediately, or be an example and have them experience the negative environment for themselves and decide for themselves on if they should be there. Forcing anyone to do something they don't want to do will cause anger, regret, and possibly rebellion. 

You decide not to go the anger route and instead put a smile on your face and spend quality time with your children at the skate park. You tell them you want to join them each week to spend time with them. After three weeks of going to the skate park and having them see the drugs and cursing you ask your children if they want to go bowling instead. They exclaim yes! After bowling, on the way home you ask your children how they liked bowling and if they want to do bowling or skating next week. One of your children says they want to go bowling, the other child agrees saying the environment felt better. You guided your children and helped them see the difference in the environment. You are looking at your personal way of being and deciding to be an example of positivity instead of an example of negativity. This lesson was a way of teaching your children by using a positive way of correcting behavior. 

 Parent/Child Relationship

You can spend all the time in the world with your child, you can be a stay at home parent devoting all of your time and energy into your children. A question to ask yourself is, what is the quality of my relationship with my child? Your child won't learn anything from you if he doesn't like you. Bonds of affection have to be established so children are receptive to learning from you, then correction will be much easier. The Parenting Pyramid says, "the effectiveness of our correction will depend on the quality of our teaching, and the quality of our teaching will depend on the quality of our relationship".

Husband/Wife Relationship

The relationship with your children largely depend on the the relationship with your spouse. How your children sees the other parent will greatly determine how they treat your spouse. If there is difficulty between your relationship with your spouse, your children will easily be sucked into the turmoil. The article The Parenting Pyramid says, "the marital relationship is the central relationship in the family; in significant ways it colors all the others". The most important thing the husband can do for the children is love their mother. 

Your Way of Being

The bottom of the pyramid is Your Way of Being, this is the foundation of your pyramid, it is fundamental. Who you are includes your deepest attitudes and being sensitive to others. You cannot go through the motions of the pyramid you have to put in true effort for the parenting pyramid to work. The way of being is the purity of your heart. Children can tell how you think of them by how your way of being is. 

When you are working on your pyramid the top layers of the pyramid is how you are helping others. You have to help yourself before you can help others. It is so important to work on having a pure heart, so your quality of love shown is pure and not negative. If you try to correct your children and the elements of this pyramid are not in place you will fail. If you look at your pyramid and find a problem in one of the levels, look at the level below and correct that first as that is your solution. Lastly, The Parenting Pyramid suggests you should always be working on the 3 deepest levels of the pyramid immediately and simultaneously. 

I know there are many ways of learning, so I wanted to add this great video by Dr. Dave Schramm from the University of Missouri. Dr. Dave shares his explanation of The Parenting Pyramid. 

https://youtu.be/ckrxYl8HEEE?si=RDy8AjwWvsIMRzlB

The Arbington Company. (1998). The Parenting Pyramid. p 1-8. 

Parenting Pyramid - University of Missouri thrive in five. YouTube. (2020, December 15). https://youtu.be/ckrxYl8HEEE?si=O7ZtPxcMNrv8HRva